Silver and Gold 1/? spoilers for Deathly Hallows
Title: Silver and Gold
Author: Eriador117
Rating: NC-17, Snape/Harry, other side pairings.
Spoilers up to and including Deathly Hallows
Summary: Things are never quite what they seem. Epilogue, what epilogue? ;)
Beta’d by Rakina, thank you as always :)
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns the Potterverse, I'm just playing in it.
Warnings: Angst, Mpreg. There are some other things I am not warning for as it will give away the plot and I myself don't exactly know where the story is going yet. :)




Part One

Harry stared at his mended wand; he still couldn't quite believe that it was whole once again. Ron and Hermione were snogging each other in the corner; seemingly unaware that Harry was still in the room. He didn't really mind; he knew they were showing their relief that each of them had survived. Harry felt as if he was a balloon that had unexpectedly deflated. He'd been running on nothing but adrenaline and hope for hours now but as he placed his wand in his back pocket; his stomach growled and Moody's voice seemed to ring in his ears. Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know.

Harry removed his wand from his pocket and set it on the desk; a sad frown on his face. So may lives lost, so many injured. Harry's body may have been hungry, but Harry himself had no appetite. Nausea roiled in his stomach at just the thought of food. So many dead, but when Harry closed his eyes, there was only one face that he could see clearly behind his eyelids. Severus Snape. The silver doe. Snape's Patronus - his mother's Patronus.

No one had ever told Harry much about his mother, except that his eyes were hers. There was nothing much about when Lily was in school, not like they'd told him stories of James and his Quidditch and his tricks with the Marauders. Had any of them even known what Lily's Patronus was? Anyone except Snape? Had she been an Animagus as well? There were still so many unanswered questions and Harry's mind went once again to the Resurrection Stone, but he shook his head. He knew that even if he summoned them, summoned anyone; they wouldn't be real, could never be real. The dead were dead and no stone or magic could truly bring them back. At best they would be just shades of their former selves and at worst; he might accidentally conjure Inferi. Harry didn't want to see his mother's lifeless eyes looking blankly out at him.

Snape's memories that Harry had viewed in the Pensieve swam before him again; they'd been so fast moving that it had been difficult to keep track of them. Pensieve memories didn't show you the emotions behind the memories, just the recorded facts. And what had the facts seemed to indicate now that he had time to think about it? That Snape had been in love with his mother? Was that why Snape had seemed to hate Harry so much even as a first year? Had Harry reminded the man of the son he would never get to have with Lily? Or was it the fact that Harry had his mother's eyes sitting in James Potter's face and Severus Snape hurt every time he saw them and realised what he had lost?

Harry supposed it might make sense, except for one thing - Harry had always assumed Severus Snape was gay. Of course, he had no concrete proof either way, but his mind wandered back to the Occlumency lessons of fifth year. To Harry, it seemed that Snape always lingered longest on those memories of Harry where he'd been masturbating or having wet dreams. Would someone one hundred per cent straight linger on those? Maybe he was bisexual? None of it mattered now, though, did it?

Harry still saw the blood and heard the thud as Snape's hands fell to the wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack. Hagrid had gone to recover the body; a lot of people still weren't convinced that Severus Snape was the hero Harry had been making him out to be and had refused to even go and fetch him back. Harry had wanted to go too, but Hagrid had shaken his head. "Yeh've done enough, Harry. We're all grateful to yeh. Yeh shouldn't have to do any more."

Harry had to look away when he caught George's eye. How could George be grateful when his twin was gone? How could any of them be grateful when there was so much death and destruction? Harry didn't feel as if he'd just won a victory. He felt hollow; as if someone had scooped out all his insides and he was filled with nothing but air.

Harry sighed as he thought again of all those who had died to protect him or even just because they'd known him. It all seemed so senseless and unfair. That was war though, wasn't it? And they'd been in a war; there was no doubt about that. Harry wasn't sure whether he wanted to be on his own or be with other people to commiserate with them. He felt pulled in a hundred different directions and he didn't know which way he wanted to go.

He knew if he went to Ginny, she would want some sort of comfort from him over the loss of her brother and Harry knew he couldn't give it. Not when he was feeling so guilty over the deaths already; he couldn't bear her telling him that it wasn't his fault. That sunny birthday spent in Ginny's room seemed a long way away. He'd read somewhere once that the past was a different country. It was, and one he didn't want to revisit. They couldn't go back. Any of them.

Harry lifted up his repaired wand and clasped it with the Elder wand in his right hand. Heading over to the office door, Ron and Hermione were too engrossed in each other to notice, he pushed it open with his left. The spiral staircase started moving as soon as he set foot on it and as Harry reached the ground floor, he saw Ginny waiting by the foot of it. There were no tears; in fact Ginny seemed quite irate about something.

"I've been waiting here for hours!" she yelled before Harry even got a word out. "Why wouldn't the staircase let me up? It let Ron and Hermione up!"

"I don't know, Ginny."

"You should have been with me! What were you doing with them when you could have been with me?"

"I couldn't face anyone."

"I'm not anyone! I'm your girlfriend! I just lost my brother and you weren't there!"

"Ron lost a brother too," said Harry softly.

"Oh? So Ron's grief is more important than mine, is it?" Ginny demanded, tears starting to trickle down her cheeks. It was a relief to see them; but at the same time Harry didn't want her to be crying in his arms either.

"I'm sorry, Ginny," said Harry as he started to walk away. He had to get out of the castle before he went mad. "It's over. We're over."

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare try and break up with me over this!" Ginny screamed. In her anger and her grief, Ginny didn't look pretty. She looked quite a bit like the angry Veela at the World-Cup; her features contorted into something ugly and grotesque as she continued to scream obscenities at him. "You bastard! You utter bastard! After all I did to get you, you're going to walk away?"

The words didn't affect Harry in the least; he wondered if all he'd been through had somehow damaged him in some way; that he could no longer feel normal emotions. The words didn't affect him, but some of them brought him up short.

"What do you mean all you did to get me?"

Ginny paled. "Nothing! Nothing!"

Harry didn't believe her, but he wasn't in the least bit curious either. Let her have her secrets, Harry found he didn't really care any more.

"It's over, Ginny."

"It can't be over! You're supposed to be with me!"

"No, I'm not," said Harry. "I'm supposed to be dead."

Harry shuddered as he remembered that ugly, wailing child he'd seen under the chair. Was that the part of Voldemort's soul his body had contained all these years? Was that why Harry felt so empty now? Would he ever feel whole again? Harry didn't want to dwell on the fact that he felt as if there was something missing, some essential part of him. Who was he now? The Harry everyone had known had contained part of Voldemort; so who was this Harry who'd been left behind?

Harry walked on towards the entrance, Ginny's voice was still following him out but he ignored it. He'd replace the Elder wand in Dumbledore's grave and then take a walk towards Hogsmeade. How long had Hagrid been gone now? Maybe Harry would meet him coming back from the Shack.

Harry had no idea of the funeral arrangements for those who'd been killed in the battle, but he was determined that whatever happened; Severus Snape would be buried with honour too. It hurt; somewhere deep in Harry's chest, when he remembered how distrustful he had been of Snape over the years when all along Snape had been trying to protect him. It didn't matter to Harry that Snape was doing it because he was Lily's son; the fact still remained that Snape had protected him.

During his musings, Harry's feet had taken him to Dumbledore's tomb; the white marble was cracked where Voldemort had desecrated it and Harry felt a shiver down his spine despite the warmth of the evening. He knelt down beside the marble and had to brace himself to push back the slab on top of the tomb. Dumbledore's voice echoed in his head, that there was nothing to fear from the dead. Harry didn't look as he put the Elder wand back to its resting place and replaced the marble. He stood up and cast Reparo so that the tomb was as good as new once more.

As he walked towards the clock tower courtyard intending to head down the path to Hogsmeade, he spied the bulk of Hagrid returning with a body clasped in his giant arms. There were two other figures with the half-giant as well; one seemed to be holding the other one up. It was too dark to make out much beside their shadows.

"Hagrid!" Harry called as he ran over to greet them.

"Harry! Fetch Madam Pomfrey! Quick!" yelled Hagrid. "He's not dead! Snape's not dead!"

TBC




Cross-posted lots of places :)